This is not a science post. This is a rant.
I’m really starting to appreciate that part of the modern ills is that we’re disconnected from people. Our relationships are shallow and have been replaced by Twitter, Facebook, and Tinder.
In talking with clients and observing people, I can’t help but realize that for many people, this is an under-appreciated source of health issues.
These effects are in part mediated by the vagus nerve, which requires real life connection.
Most guys and girls see dating as a commodity or consumable good. Most people build shallow relationships that are fun for a few weeks or months and then we get bored and move on. This is the way of life – until we hit our mid 30’s when we’re jaded from relationships, but feel the need to get married or else we’ll be alone for the rest of our lives.
Both guys and girls are the problem.
I ask girls if they’ve dated really quality guys in their lives, and most girls have come by at least one real quality guy by the age of 30, but they let them go for some reason. Some of them have this subconscious belief that there will be an endless supply of great guys when they get older.
Guys often don’t know how to think past their dicks and have one requirement: will the girl put out? And guys get bored and move on when she does. Time for the next girl to conquer, they think.
How can we trust others to build a real connection when this is the modus operandi?
Not only are relationships shallow, but people are so judgmental. Instead of focusing on how kind someone is and what their character is like, we judge people for some dumb faux pas or for behaving in a way we deem “weird”.
We judge people based on their beliefs (how can they have THAT political/religious position???) and their preferences (how could they not like THIS song/movie/activity?). We care about what our friends and family will think, even if their desires are different than our own.
I used to be stupid enough to care if a girl believed in God, if she had superstitions (like astrology), of her political beliefs or other things that just didn’t matter. Now I only care about exposing her to my beliefs and seeing how she reacts. Does she reflexively get upset by a difference in opinion or preference? Or is she curious about why I believe something and is willing to agree to disagree if she has a different feeling/position? From early on, I tell girls my most controversial opinions – just to see how they react. I don’t care if they disagree with me.
(((I mean certain things like if she’s into health is important for me because it takes up a large portion of my life and will affect all of our decisions if she doesn’t care about health. So if you are a musician, then yes, it probably matters if your partner likes your music preferences. And if a girl is religious and she takes it seriously, it obviously won’t work out with someone who doesn’t take the same religion seriously. I once briefly dated a girl who took Yoga and other activities to a religious extreme and she was upset that I didn’t. This wasn’t for me.)))
We are afraid to take chances, be bold and make mistakes. We are afraid of showing our true selves for fear that we will be rejected when we do. And people will indeed reject you often, especially if you’re different than them.
I have a different approach to relationships. I take risks. I show the true me from early on. I work on myself so that I attract the best people. I try to detract as many women by showing who I am with all of my faults from the get go because I’m not interested in wasting my time with people who will end up judging or rejecting me for who I truly am- or having it as a source of friction later on.
I’ve met some confident girls who are like this, but I haven’t seen a single guy like this in my life. Guys are always trying to inflate their value and keep their flaws secret.
And how can we have normal relationships when almost all of the people I meet just don’t have their mental shit together. People can be extremely insecure, have boatloads of OCD, anxiety, depression, or tons of mental baggage. I’m not judging people with these issues because I had all of them….I’m just saying you need to get over them. I used a healthy lifestyle, mindfulness and meditation, diet, supplements and anything I could think of. I’ve blazed the path for my blog readers….You just need to make your own journey, because no one’s going to make it for you.
It’s not always easy to find someone special right away, especially if you choose wisely. It’s not easy to find your passion in life or even just live in a healthy way. But I believe that if you plan your life right, you work on sorting out your own mental bullshit, pursue your passion and you project your true self, you’ll end up finding both men and women who are right for you (it could take a while, though, so be patient).
You need mental fortitude, though, because you will detract most people, but this is good. I detract the girls who aren’t for me and I attract the girls who are. And these girls will be really into you.
My results have been surprisingly very positive. The more I know what I want and project the true me, the easier the right person naturally comes to me. This has worked shockingly well. I started meeting people who I didn’t think existed. I found people who not only accepted my idiosyncrasies and flaws, but they were attracted to them and embraced them.
Remember, the key is to put yourself out there completely and not try to hide who you are. The more you show your true self, the more easily people who are ideally suited for you will come.
Showing your true self-requires you to find that true self – or more precisely really understanding what it is your desire, which took me a really long time. If you’re not genuinely happy, you haven’t found your true self.
The more you’re thinking about the past or future, the less you found that true self. When you spontaneously start to live in the present naturally and not because you’re making an effort to, that’s when you’ve found your true self to a good degree. Because then it means that you are at happy and at peace with yourself.
Once you find your true self, you need to be courageous and be ok with the idea that 99.9% of people that you meet may not be your soulmate.
Don’t hide your flaws, positions, attitudes or beliefs (but also be ok to agree to disagree if your opinions differ). Don’t put your best foot forward, either. A potential mate that’s truly right for you will like you with all of your flaws from the get go.
Here are my tips:
1) Better no relationship than a bad relationship.
2) Focus on the things that matter – mainly her/his character (obviously, you need to also be attracted).
3) When you find a person with those traits snatch them quickly, because they won’t stick around.
4) You will attract and be attracted to the people who are at your “level.” If you’re a mental wreck, you’re going to attract and be attracted to mental wrecks. So work on yourself first – including your insecurities, your fears, your attachments, your ego and your emotional regulation.
Letting go of your attachments includes to let go of the need to have a relationship or to have a relationship with a specific person (even though I’m advocating commitment).
So ironically, you will be a better partner when you learn to be happy alone.
The information on this website has not been evaluated by the Food & Drug Administration or any other medical body. We do not aim to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any illness or disease. Information is shared for educational purposes only. You must consult your doctor before acting on any content on this website, especially if you are pregnant, nursing, taking medication, or have a medical condition.
HOW WOULD YOU RATE THIS ARTICLE?